burden

and here we are again, suitcase open, making choices.
what goes in, what stays.
clothes mended, washed, ironed, and folded up.
emergency medicine in case of indigestion, migraine, runny tummy. saves embarrassment when you do not understand the language!
we are off to the airport, suitcase weighing not more than the set 23 kg and the hand luggage just right.
ticket and passport checked.
the destination sticker stuck on and we watch the suitcase on the rubber band move through flaps, and then gone.

my suitcase has a good handle and wheels. mostly too heavy and still difficult to carry, is this burden of mine. had it since the young man was born, i think. i took full responsibility for teaching and training, loving, helping, directing and making sure he’s facing the right direction. but it turned out the opposite. free will, it is called. the gift.

i know the airport and actually like being there watching all the people and wondering about their stories.

so this time, once again, my suitcase became heavy, too heavy. i’ve put it on the rubber band, labelled it for the true destination and sent it off. i was free to walk away and go have coffee. i know, i’ve done this so often – sent it off, freed and walked away; sent if off, freed and walked away…

BUT why am i finding this suitcase with me again and again, never reaching the destination? why do i pull it off the band before it disappears?and how am i to walk on, live on, breathe on without it?

we go have coffee and the little lady is excited about all the people and the biscuit with the coffee.
we wait for the goodbye and the departure of the teacher-man.

is it that i do not trust the system to get it there safely and without damage? is it that i do not want the destination? am i sending it to the wrong destination?

the suitcase will be at Vilnius, Lithuania, the destination.

i think i only have to know that i’ve packed the suitcase with great care, love and commitment – as good as i could ever do. there comes a time that i have to close the lid, lock it and put it on the scale. even wrapping it in plastic like the suitcases going to africa. i know where it is heading and that the destination is so right. i now have to trust the system that it will arrive there however long the flight takes. trust the flight not to be high jacked, shot down, go down in a storm or due to human error and times later, when i am to arrive at the destination and wait at the luggage claim area, that the suitcase will be there, undamaged with all its content in its full glory.

so, i have to take every step to go.and.have.coffee.
every step of risking, trusting, knowing – but freedom. choosing not to look back. knowing that this system is proven to be the best of its kind, functioning perfectly. so every step i take away from the check in point is a choice of giving just one more step, direction coffee shop – freedom. a choice.

it does not happen automatically.

i want to just make sure again…

but NO, it is labelled and checked in. it will be ok. i have to willfully give a step, and another and another addressing my fears, my anxiety, going the opposite direction until i smell the coffee. until i’m swallowed up by the joy of the young lady enjoying biscuits – crumbling, drooling, chewing, smiling, greeting everyone. until i love this one moment of grace.

of cause i know the end result is guaranteed. he will be at the true destination, in his full glory. the full price is paid.